Chateau D'Or?: It's been a very long time. At least a few decades.
: Long, long ago in a decade far, far away...
?: You and your brother have obviously grown a lot since I last saw you.
: Look, let me just give it to you straight: I'm breaking up with you.
?: Thus, it's unlikely you remember me.
: Couldn't we have left it that way?
: Hello, Mario. I'm Golden Yoshi, and I'm
: A liberal arts school drop-out?
: the one who called you here.
: Since Mario
can't speak for himself, allow me to speak for him:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO: We go way back, to when you were just a young child.
: You were more attractive back then.
: Okay, that's enough.
: I understand your trip here was not a safe one.
: Unfortunately, it seems the one behind your shipwreck is the same one who put you in grave danger when you were a mere tyke.
: Man, Hasselhoff's kind of a dick.
: I should keep you in the dark no longer.
: Then how about an actual background?
: I must tell you how this all began.
: You and your brother were being delivered to your parents by the stork.
: And that... was the first time I died.
: That's when he saw the perfect opportunity to take you for his twisted plans.
: He who I speak of is Kamek. He attempted to snatch both of you from the stork.
: Luckily for my twisted plans, he was really bad at it.
: Only managing to take Luigi, you fell into the open sea.
: What does this remind me of?
: Fruitcake?
: Luckily, you landed on Yoshi's Island. Wanting to protect you
: If you know what I mean.
:
Crow!: the Yoshies vowed to reunite you with your brother. They called upon me, their
: Marty Stu
: "Chosen One"
: Like I said, Marty Stu.
: to defeat Kamek.
: After his crushing defeat, Kamek revealed his motives for taking two innocent babies.
: They were... unspeakable.
: He needed the power of two pure hearts to lift an evil curse upon him.
: He was gonna go for a stoner and his dog, but somebody beat him to it.
: This may come as a shock, but Kamek was once a Yoshi just like me.
: Okay, now you're just
making stuff up.
: The curse, which turned him into an ugly creature, was punishment for a deplorable act he committed.
: How far gone do you have to be to rip off The Beauty and the Beast?
: And the one who cast that horrendous spell on him was none other than me...
: Wait, is the author avatar showing signs of self-doubt?
: No, that's just bad writing.
: Hard to believe the two of you went through such turmoil at such a young age. You are likely wondering what Kamek did to deserve such punishment. That's the second half of my story...
: You're not very good at segues.
: Many years ago, a mysterious jewel appeared from the sky and landed in a mountain valley. It was discovered by a passerby. He was amazed by the star's scintillating beauty.
:
This guy doesn't have a single original bone in his body.: He brought the jewel to Euphoria Island and sold it to me for a large sum of coins.
: Hold on, I thought you used to live on Yoshi's Island.
: Heavy research was then conducted on the star by Professor Frankly, who determined its great power.
: It can kill a yak from two hundred yards away... with mind bullets!
: That's telekinesis, Kyle.
: The star had the power
: To move you.
: to sense individuals' auras and personalities and influence the world around them.
: What in the hell does that mean?
: If the star was entrusted to a generous individual
: By which I mean "me."
: It'd bring prosperity and joy
: By which I mean "a castle made of gold."
: On the other hand, if the star fell into the hands of evil, it'd bring about great despair and gloom. Thus, this magnificent jewel was named "The Essence Star."
: I don't get it.
: Well, you see, the star detects the... um... essence... and it can... change... look I don't know either, okay?
: Eventually, the Essence Star was handed to me,
: Now there's a surprise.
: as many considered me an upstanding individual. During my possession of the star, there was an era of great happiness and fortune.
: Except for when I decided it shouldn't be.
: That happiness was short-lived.
: I ate the star.
: Someone else had his eye on the star.
: David Hasselhoff?
: Ayn Rand?
: Sonic the Hedgehog?
: One night, he snuck into my place to steal the star.
: Sly Cooper?
: Solid Snake?
: GoldenYoshi?
: It was, you guessed it,
: The pizza man?
: Kamek.
: Aww!
: Damn!
: I was sure I had it!
: Apparently, someone had offered Kamek a great deal of coins to
: Molest Harman Smith?
: steal the star. Knowing Kamek was taking it for purely selfish reasons, I feared what would occur with it in the wrong hands.
: And by "the wrong hands" I mean "not my hands."
: So as Kamek ran away with the star, I shattered it into five pieces.
: Gee, this definitely doesn't sound like every Mario RPG ever.
: I ordered to have the shards sent to five dangerous places-
: But how'd you get them from Kamek? If you could retrieve the pieces, why not the whole thing?
: -a volcano, a haunted mansion, a glacier, a pyramid, and
: My belly button.
: the sea bottom.
: I just couldn't risk the star falling into the wrong hands. Finally, livid with his actions, I cast a spell to turn Kamek into a foul imp.
: You know, everybody's really racist against Koopas.
: However, Kamek has become much more powerful over the years.
: It turns out that after being a Yoshi, there is nothing demeaning enough to break your spirit.
: He has threatened to find the star shards, then use them to bring about a reign of chaos into the world.
: I know! I'll tell him I'm gonna steal the shards! That way, he'll be forced to send someone to stop me! It's the perfect plan!
: If you knew where they were hidden, why didn't you just put it back together yourself?
: This brings me to the favor I mentioned. Mario, I beg you, please travel to these five locations and retrieve the stars, then return them here so I can better guard them.
: But that's how they got stolen the last time!
: What do you say, Mario?
: Okey dokey!
: What the-
: How can-
: Good going! You've ruined Mario
FOREVER!
: Excellent! Please use my private ships to sail to those areas.
: I'm sure you won't be attacked a second time! It's inconceivable!
: I don't think that means what you think it means.
: Mario, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and wish you luck on this perilous journey.
: Just, don't expect to get paid or nothin'.
: I HAVE FURY! My Bean n' Badge business was flushed down the toilet like an annoying child's dead pet fish! Now my fate has confined me to running this wretched dump on this island fraught with foolish fools! Ahem- I mean, welcome to Fawful's Furious Fortunes! How may I help you?
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